IT GETS BETTER?

When I ask people how the feel about my blog, there's a question that quite often repeats itself:
Why don't you write something a little more positive?
Something with an happy ending, you know..?

Honestly.. I don't know.

It's quite obvious that I wasn't on an exactly happy place when I started writing my blog. To be exact it all started when my friend, who saw how i was feeling, suggested me to express myself, in any way posible, so I found my temporary peace in writing things on my phone late at night when i couldn't sleep.
But after some time that technique started to lose it's power, I started to feel worse again and I couldn't write anymore so I had to take a break from my blog. I'm able to write again, so I guess I'm feeling better now.
At that time I felt like that was normal, but from this point at which I am right now looking back I can honestly say that it wasn't. That it's not normal for a person to start crying almost every two hours, to feel so alone, to wish death so badly or to search for answers in self-harming.
No, I'm not willing to seek help. I want to go through this on my own, find the light all by myself, because only then I will be able to really help others with problems like mine. This is totally my personal decision and I would not recomend it to anyone else.
In the main time I'm going to continue to write stuff because I do that to make people understand and to show things from different angles, so you can see about problems (usually) also through the eyes of the victim and not only as an external observer. To achieve that I promised to myself that I'm only going to write about my experiences, view and emotions and if I'm writing about something that's not that personal I make sure that I only do that after a lot of research. And doing that brings me some sort of joy, because I think it's making a change. I might not be the leader of this generation or the savior of the world, but if I make one person think twice about their beliefs or teach them something new about mental disorders, I feel like I have done something good, a small difference.

So what I'm trying to say here is that I don't know how to write an happy ending, because I forgot how that feels. But after so much time I can finally say that I'm on the way to discover that. I hope.

Before I finish this I just really wanted to tell you one of the most over-used phrases of our time: It gets better. Maybe slowly, but it does.

Oh, and if anyone of you ever finds himself in the things that I post or just simply wants to talk to someone that understands (or at least tries to understand) what you're going through, you can always talk to me.
You can be sure that I'll take my time for you.

I might be cluelessly running down a dark hallway, not knowing where i'm heading or for how long i might still have to run, but the memory of the light still keeps me gasping for air and wanting to continue the journey.

xx